I hold my silence, yet I dream

I hold my silence, yet I dream
Of truths that stir beneath the seam
Where quiet hearts in shadows gleam
And hope survives in softened theme

I walk through echoes left behind

Of fragile thoughts I never signed

Each heartbeat carries what I hide

A quiet storm I keep inside

The night leans close to hear my plea

In shadows deep, I set it free

A trembling hope, both fierce and frail

That rides the wind, yet dares not sail

Your memory burns without a flame

A whispered breath that calls my name

In every pause, in every sigh

You live in truths I still deny

What is this love I cannot speak?

So strong, yet leaves my spirit weak

It blooms in silence, fierce and bright

A secret star within my night

And if one day these walls should break

And all the buried words awake

You’ll find within this quiet seam

A soul that loved, and dared to dream

but for now, I hold my silence as I dream

Of hidden tides beneath the stream

Where unsaid words begin to rise

And truth still flickers in disguise

Aap So Gaye Honge

 Humko jaga ke raat, khwaab so Gaye honge

Dil me uthe sawaal, ki aap so Gaye honge 

Umr aur zindagi ki uljhano me doobe hue the hum

Fir jab dil ka kiya khayaal, aap so Gaye honge 

Kahne lage the log, ki hum Khaak ho Gaye

Sab kuch Gawaan ke apna, bas bebaak ho Gaye

Tumse milke jata dete hum, Hal-e-dil apna magar

Jis Waqt jaage dil ke jazbaat, aap so Gaye honge

Hum bhi salwaton se khel kar, yaadon me kho Gaye 

Takiye se baatein karte rahe, khwaabon me kho Gaye

Yaadon ki dastakein fir, tanhaaiyan le ayi 

Aur kiya halaat ne sawaal, aap so Gaye honge

Kai baar kahani humne ye, vishwas se kahi 

Guzarti hongi kisiki raatein inhi halaat se kahin

Dil me yakin ye rakh ke jab dilko tha Sambhala 

Chahat Jagi rahi wo raat, ki jab aap so Gaye honge

Dhoondh Rahe Hai

 Lakiron pe apne hathon ki, 

saza dhoondh rahe hai

Kuch Teri bhi aur kuch apni hi

 khata dhoondh rahe hai 

Khamosh ho gaya hai mere andar jo kabhi tha 

Hum zarre zarre me har, apna khuda dhondh rahe hai 

Dekhte hai nazron me ab koi sawaal nahi hai 

Halaat kuch ajeeb hai, ki be-haal nahi hai 

Ab ruswaiyan bhi hum se roothi hui hai 

Ki chiraagon ke tale tofaan ki raza dhoondh rahe hai

Kehne ko sare bazaar ab kuch bhi nahi hai

Yaadein nahi na yaar, ab kuch bhi nahi hai 

Baatein karin thi shaam kahin khud se baith kar

Kho aaye the dil jo jahan, wahan dhoondh rahe hai

HOPE TO SEE THE SUN ONCE MORE

At the end of day, I sat myself down
on a low lying couch to think of the day
thoughts bolting through my head,
feet running all the way

progress on the papers and
the signatures making it complete,
sitting on the same place as before and back the same way, again on my feet

joy in the feedbacks
and achivements on the graphs
same woks to admire, same
flimsy mistakes and monlogous laughs

where has time led me to ?
I hear the whispers of the past
'I too will fly some day',
says the kid running with a cart

This day I lay my dreams, lay them to rest
mind telling the heart, 'its all for the best'
Gray streaks in the mirror, telling the eyes,
you too have grown old, you too have lost the sight

may be tomorrow, I'll feel young enough
to follow the shooting stars
or just lie back tired again
dreaming at the same hour

hope I have the gutts again
to take a leap or just sail off the shore,
hope to wake up to make it true tomorrow
hope I have a tomorrow, i want to see the sun once more

               PRAYERS ON THE TREE

When the dawn comes and sets the life free
hope wakes the sky and there is chirping on the tree
When the shades of sorrow let go of your eyes
Tell them of this story and tell them of me

There will be a tomorrow, yes there will be
With a story in the hearts, of today that we flee
Time stands a witness, as we live and die
there'll be a whisper of the past,  just let it be

Who can hold the winds and all the hear and say
Mine be  the sins. Saints of the world, let them pray
There won't be a forever for anyone to defend
Let God be the judge, of every needle in the hay

U just remember my words, for comfort when u cry
The only proof of having lived, is being missed when u die
My love and my heart has always been thine
and will always be with thee,
Come spring, can see me on the leaves,

 autumn in the prayers on the tree

a lonesome walk on an empty lane
kicking the stones with the thoughts passing by
with love & joy, solitude i choose
the ocean of love, turning to a solitary sky

celebrations end to a night of stars
all heavenly touches often leave a scar
this day i walk out of the earthly chains
this road for one takes me far and far

if you rise, you ought to fall
love is eternal for a life too small
so, i walk in love with dreams& night to newer start
again, i won't fall in love to fail in love
this much pain is good
for the peace of mind of a solitary heart

ISHQ

  

kya ajeeb kismat hai, kya ittefaq hai,
yun toh hai ruswai se mohobbat,
 fir bhi kitni pak-saaf hai


ab sajdon me hai sanam
aur us kaafir me hai khuda,
par daman me ishq jiss faqir ke
kehte hai uska har gunah maaf hai


unki mehfilon ki rawayat
aur ye saadgi ka dum ?
ya, khuda ishq unko bhi kuch sikhaye
mere ishq aur unke mazaak me ye farak saaf saaf hai

UNHE CHODA NA GAYA

Mohobbat ko apne haal pe choda na gaya

Bahut tadpe, unki nazar ke ek sawal ko choda na gaya

Yunhi uth ke chal diye the hum toh har yaarana bazm se

Unse fir na milne ke khayal se choda na gaya

Na zamane ko ganwara tha, na himmat-e-marda  thi

Ek junoon hi tha bas aur mohobbat be parda thi

Fir jahan ke us dayar pe ek nadaan dil toda na gaya

Chod aaye ye jahan saara, un kanpte haathon ko choda na gaya

Kahenge log, ishq ki khata se nazrein jhuk jayengi

Unhe kya pata, mohobbat aayegi toh be-bak aayegi

Kahenge barson baad ye log zamane me

Dhadke the do dil kabhi, issi khaak virane me

 

Fir Khayenge taras dekh kar, log ye jazbat ke aansu,

Dil bhi tadphadayega, beh jayenge aur halaat ke aansu

Hum sajdon me uski gir kar mohobbat tum ko mangle

Bas ab rokde sunkar wahi, meri fariyaad ke aansu

Par aaj, aaj unke ashkon ko, unki nazron ko

Ishq, Un sadaon ko choda na gaya,

Kurban is mohobbbat, har gunah jiske sadke

Chod di khudai, par pak dar-e-yaar ko choda na gaya…..

Farewell to love.....

for the one's whom we love
lets change our ways and just walk by,
pain & guilt won over love
good bye my love good bye

in your eyes i see an ocean & i weep
what was there in love, if not many oceans deep
but you'll learn to live, this too we'll survive
these are hearts, silly things, too emotional & fragile


what we suffer, this love a curse
i make you laugh,'o dear' solitude i cry
i long for you & still let go
you curse my betrayal as i peacefully die

in love, am not destined to be
these many days are just to live,
just to laugh & to cry
but love ? a lover i can't be

love though radical,
     but just this much wise
better the pain that kills me i bear
     but not the tears in your eyes

but lets share this silence for once,
 no tears, no worries, no ifs & why
love immortal suffers in silence, as for us mortals,
i bid-a-due, good bye my love good bye

an incomplete love, incomplete night

"love sees no mile or a milestone, as free as a thought it flies,
still we gather in love a handful of ocean & an eyeful of sky,
lets leave, leave this night as incomplete as our love, desperation & thirst,
let it burn in our passion, let this night die.

a tickle in the heart or a spark of your eyes,
worth a thousand truth, worth a million lies
lets not say it, not a promise of your or mine,
what lies in the silence of our tears is a love
worth a patience and a billion tries "

my good sher

" woh dard bhi pyaara hai jo khud se door kar de mujhe,
ke teri yaad bhi tanhaii me ab jeene nahi deti"

"itna keh kar hi mude the ki dard-e-dil kya samjhe ge hum,
ke bas ek anshu challak kar kadmon pe unke gir gaya"

"pehle rakha tha palak pe aur fir ye tod diya,
humne to dil hi diya tha, ab khilona ho gaya"

"jab bhi nikle uski gali se log hum pe haste hi mile
dekh mohobbat teri gali me fir se ruswa hone chale"

"yakeen bhi karte hai aur imtehaan lete hain,
jane kiss haq se ye log khuda ka naam lete hai ?"

What are words unheard and unsaid
The feel of love innocent but afraid
When lips move but holding it back
Prayers in whispers but it still lacks
What is Devine that you cannot see?
No miracle better than a deed, no god better than me
Because the loved who sits above, greatness he will do
But won’t do for rightness sakes, what can be done by me and you
No power in words and there be no god
Glory lies still untouched; one just needs to take the road
Braves rest in peace in the lap of their land
Their stories fly free in air as feathers and sand

mutthiyon me band mohobat mili kabhi,
kissi ki good me sir rakha aur maa toh chahat mili kabhi,
paa liya har rang tera humne yun e zindgi
ki meikade me pyaas mili toh dard me rahat mili kabhi

I'll be yours again..

all more painful seasons came,
all more painful seasons gone,
time and people all have change
what does not change is me being alone

days pass long in tired eyes
nights die hard in silent cries

how could this have happened to us
everything without you now just seems wrong
i wish i could have stopped you here
i wish you could have taken me along

every breath now feels heavy
its only you, else i can't talk about
why it bleeds and pains inside
why i feel teared to keep my heart out

loose you and survive i can't
i wish you'd have taken me along
but its a promise of every tear of mine
I'll be yours again, as i fade away with time
I'll be yours again, as i fade away with time

“Page of her notebook”

It was when I was crossing the compartments of the train to reach mine, I saw his face, it was not too smart, cute might be but there was something else in that face, it was like a face taken out of a sketch book of some artist only prominent outline, clear and sparkling eyes, soft lips like you might leave a spot when touch, and rest no line, no spot, just his face, there was something in it, our eyes met and then suddenly I was not able to take it off, that perfection a flawless creation of god.
But thinking about his face only I went ahead for my coach but by luck the shutter was down, I had to return but when I was passing by there was feel within don’t know what as I crossed him I heard someone say “looking for something dear girl?” though he might have been 26 or 27, and I am sure it was not his voice but I turned and looked at him and suddenly I realized god I can’t be that stupid to keeping staring him again, he was looking at me too but still no smile no anger no attitude just a picture of perfection a softness staring back at me, I realized an uncle sitting in front of him was talking to me, about what I don’t know I was dumb founded, I told him that I need to go to ac-2 for Jabalpur but shutters down. He told me “you have to wait for Mathura till then train won’t stop , why don’t you sit with us on this seat as we are also not having a confirmed seat”(yes, all those who have had no luck that day or some who were lucky like me to get a waiting no.), I said ok normally but inside was busting with laugh , god is great me and him just sitting face to face, just to make sure for how many minutes I can see him more I asked the uncle “how many hours will it take for Mathura to come?”, god was with me as he said “at least 3 hours beta” and then that statue gave an acknowledging smile, I could have gone down on my knees and started praying to god for being so generous if I could have but thought later
I cant forget his coming from behind and keeping his hand on my shoulders and asking “so, what can I get for you”, the first words of his, that he spoke to me, just before and after a series of smiles, sometimes on sharing the place with no’s increasing, sometimes on stupidity of others, sometimes on such a beautiful and romantic weather, sometime on his hairs flying and coming on his face, and other times just don’t know why, I still see the same face when I close my eyes , I want to touch it, to kiss those eyes, to touch those lips, to touch his cheeks, to sit with his arms around, but that’s all I am left with the image of love, memory of a face and nothing else, no name, no., just this much that the love of god leys in Delhi.

"WHAT BINDS ME TO YOU CAN'T BE LOVE"

what binds me to you can't be love
b'coz what i feel is not what you feel
& if it is love, then o tell me now
why wounds of my heart just don't heal,

when in night my tears scream,
how many lone nights i have seen
i say all prayers & i weep
if it is love, why these doubts creep,

this distance works in such a way
i call you a lot & know not what to say,
all the passion & feel dying along,
its not love & i can't be wrong,

days crawl dead & nights awake
o' i miss you, i miss you like hell
i say it for goodness sake,
but accepting it just won't bring you here
so, i say it again
what binds me to you can't be love

what i have lost, i miss it all

"samandar ko mein paa kar bhi aaj pani ko tarasta hoon,
mauje hilore le rahi, tanha rawani ko tarasta hoon,
hai kaanch ka dil ye, wo patthar, ye seeshe toot jate hain,
mein fir wahi bachpan wahi aanchal usi nadani ko tarasta hoon"

LIFE IN IMA

a morning wake up call at 4:30 am, to get the wheel rolling on, same as everyday a 5:20 mustter, and class at 5 :50, a tiring PT or a boring drill, but the only thing interesting, those short moments of giggle and jokes of friends.
then again a run for break fast and then class room without break but fast very fast, that u loose the sense of time till it is 1 in the afternoon when we have lunch and walk back to our company.
then drill, then pt and then dinner and again night pt, its not easy becoming an officer in the army, but what you cherish most is when you walk back to the company with the scent of hard work, tired giggles and sweaty smiles of the GCs, a sense of being together, may be that's why they say that true fellowship and friendship Born's from misery when we go through together.
imagine an orange evening with lush green surrounding and golden leaves flying in the air and a group of cadets smiling, riding their bikes at a decent pace, thinking that it was hard being punished but thinking more that it was fun being together, its what IMA has given, tough times to make us tougher, a beautiful evening to share our tired smiles and companions to walk together when you cannot walk.

a dream to be free

A cold winter evening, in a small town situated in the lap of mountains, looked beautiful as nature must have bestowed all its beauty in it and the heavenly beauty and magic of nature came alive, the pink snow of evening and fade colors of flowers, grass and trees giving a hint of the spring just passed and the smell of 1st snow fall of the season making the town look more beautiful per view.
Long red curtains floating in the air from a balcony with small plant on every corner of it and pleasant fragrance of orchids flowing out, a woman nearly in her 40’s was closing the windows and letting the curtains free, started her passage toward the door as she whispered “what r you writing dear! Don’t you want to have coffee with everyone downstairs?” a voice came in reply “I am comfortable here. I will have my coffee here only”. It was a young man in his twenties writing something in a diary as the maid left the room. He continued:
“Our life is like a horse tied to a chariot, it goes the way where other take you, on a way which is already discovered, on which every stop and turn is known. Bound in its bit, life bound in rules, relations, boring traditions and fear from taking risk.
But what if you choose to go on a road undiscovered, who’s every stop and turn is a surprise for you? What if life takes an unpredictable turn? What if it takes you to a new place, where every new day is brings a new adventure and risk with? What if……………………………………….
This is the life I dream for to be free to take a road less traveled and to be free to take risk and to see a new face of life everyday”.
A knock on the door makes him stop, the maid enters
Maid:” its 10 o’clock, stop writing and and get some sleep”
The boy closes the diary and moves towards the bed, as the maid turns the light off and moves out. “Goodnight, dear”
In the darkness of this night there was a shine in his eyes, a shine of dreams taking birth on the ocean of desires,

memories of being alive

Though we have seen it many times in movies and read it everywhere that you only realize what you had, once you loose it but to feel it is different, and Ria was now feeling it, it was not a toy, no money or any card that she had lost but it was her existence that was at loss as she had lost the person who defined her existence and away from him she was nothing. She had learned to smile when he was around, learned to talk her heart out when he was listening, feel at peace with the silence keeping her head on his shoulder and even feel at peace during hard time only when he was holding her hand. Every time when he used to look at her she felt more beautified then ever, it was not her beauty, not her smile nothing in her but only in his eyes that made her feel beautiful and now remembering his affable eyes looking at her, his charm and his touch made her feel at loss and a guilt that it was all her fault, he was not to blame for it.
She still remembered that night it all began, the night she started living again, the night she was going to meet a stranger, no not a stranger, she knew him as “ yours4ever@yahoo.co.in” no more than it she knew him as number”264****” . after many days of his requests and her denial and few of stood ups agreed to meet him, it was their last chat as strangers on internet, they decided the dress code to recognize each other, he was going to be in black pull over and blue jeans, she was going to be in blue jeans and red top, But after thinking she got dressed in black jeans, white top and black jacket, she wanted to see him first. She took a file in her hand as she told her mom that she was going to a friend for seminar practice.
It was 8 at night when she saw him, it was a fair, tall and most handsome (if there was any superior degree, he was that too) guy she had seen every seen. But being nervous her mind told her to walk back home and she turned and started walking but just before stepping down she didn’t knew what struck her she stopped and turned to have a look at him, he was now standing a good 15 steps behind her, but there were a lot of girls he can’t notice her as she thought about going back few pages of her file feel to ground cursing why she had to be so silly this time, she picked the pages and found him looking at her. She fell cold like even his smile was enough to send her to death bed and there it was he smiled, but surprisingly she smiled back as he called “hey, RIA”
RIA: how do you know that I am ria, I was not even in the dress code?”
Ryan: “just knew it, that the girl I used to chat has to be this beautiful”
RIA found her self blushing (still trying to hide it)
After an hour of praises and blushes he finally asked for her number, she agreed to give but no one was having a mobile or pan to note it down. When he did something, he asked her number and wrote it on the dust of his bike, they said good byes and Ria walked home thinking that its ok that if you don’t want to meet, but don’t pretend that you can save my no. in dust, its ok I am not that lucky to have him”. It was 10 at night when she was changing for bed when the phone bell ring but her parents were gone for a walk so she received the call, as she placed the receiver near her ear and said hello, all her feelings flushed away she was in lack of words just standing there in shock and smiling then the voice on phone repeated:

“Told you na I will remember you number”

All she was able to do was to smile and smile and smile, this silence was again broken by the same voice she thought coming out of het heart saying “ kya hua, expect nahi kiya tha kya, koi baat nahi meine bhi nahi kiya tha ki koi essa milega jiss ka number mein dhool me bhi dhoond longa
Lagta hai bahut shocked, ok then lets bring you out of shock, I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow at same place at same time at least this time I hope u won’t stood me up,….”
Riya: no actually………………..
Rehan : I was just joking, but please be there for me. Good night”
And though she acted normal all the time but only she knew how hard it was for her to not to repeat his last words which were wondering in her mind “ be there for me”, it was all she spitted out in this whole night “off course I will , only for you”
It was not a new day for riya but a new life, a new reason to smile to laugh, to enjoy the day just the knowledge that there was someone in her life, someone she loved and maybe he loved her back. It was hard for her to keep track of time which went by on wings while she fled the whole day like a butterfly. But the only thing was no one else noticed.
The sky became dark again except in the glowing eyes of ria,
they met again and it was all love she ever wanted with him, their long rides,to church on the night of Christmas, long walks hand in hand, their silent moments sitting together watching the stars and light if the city with her head on his shoulder, even there was love when he taught her chemistry, , and the fairy tale went on for 3 months but that love faded in the sand of time

At night when she walked among the crowd, the night with darkness, deep and dead but lights shining out at a distance, people walking by giggling, smiling, the night with silent breeze flowing like this always made her think, made her remember those nights 4 years ago, those nights when she passed through the same roads but not noticing a thing like nothing existed, like flying in the sky there was only she and him, All sweet talks, giggles, teasing, flirtation and all, and all that she loved. The way he used to stare at her and keep staring unless she broke into laughter, his sweet persuasions for a kiss that never worked and his instant lies to make her off guard and have a small and sudden kiss and her blushing that always charmed him.
And that night which was same as before just when they parted they never met again, was it her fault, why he never called her again, why they never met, was it because she always restrained him from kissing, no that can’t be the reason, he loved her and she loved him to, may be too much to think that he was playing with her heart and now left her. Collecting all the strength that was left in her she called his house thinking that something might have gone wrong, when she called it was his mother who received the call:
riya: hello, may I talk to rehan.
(there was a long silence on the other end with heavy breathing)
after a pause
Mother: may I know who is calling?
riya: its riya his friend.
Mother: sorry beta.
riya: oh, but aunty please i want to talk to him, its urgent.
Mother: (with choked voice) beta now no one one can talk to him,rehan..... went far away from us.
And she disconnected the line, feeling deserted,
and wept, with inconsolable soul