memories of being alive

Though we have seen it many times in movies and read it everywhere that you only realize what you had, once you loose it but to feel it is different, and Ria was now feeling it, it was not a toy, no money or any card that she had lost but it was her existence that was at loss as she had lost the person who defined her existence and away from him she was nothing. She had learned to smile when he was around, learned to talk her heart out when he was listening, feel at peace with the silence keeping her head on his shoulder and even feel at peace during hard time only when he was holding her hand. Every time when he used to look at her she felt more beautified then ever, it was not her beauty, not her smile nothing in her but only in his eyes that made her feel beautiful and now remembering his affable eyes looking at her, his charm and his touch made her feel at loss and a guilt that it was all her fault, he was not to blame for it.
She still remembered that night it all began, the night she started living again, the night she was going to meet a stranger, no not a stranger, she knew him as “ yours4ever@yahoo.co.in” no more than it she knew him as number”264****” . after many days of his requests and her denial and few of stood ups agreed to meet him, it was their last chat as strangers on internet, they decided the dress code to recognize each other, he was going to be in black pull over and blue jeans, she was going to be in blue jeans and red top, But after thinking she got dressed in black jeans, white top and black jacket, she wanted to see him first. She took a file in her hand as she told her mom that she was going to a friend for seminar practice.
It was 8 at night when she saw him, it was a fair, tall and most handsome (if there was any superior degree, he was that too) guy she had seen every seen. But being nervous her mind told her to walk back home and she turned and started walking but just before stepping down she didn’t knew what struck her she stopped and turned to have a look at him, he was now standing a good 15 steps behind her, but there were a lot of girls he can’t notice her as she thought about going back few pages of her file feel to ground cursing why she had to be so silly this time, she picked the pages and found him looking at her. She fell cold like even his smile was enough to send her to death bed and there it was he smiled, but surprisingly she smiled back as he called “hey, RIA”
RIA: how do you know that I am ria, I was not even in the dress code?”
Ryan: “just knew it, that the girl I used to chat has to be this beautiful”
RIA found her self blushing (still trying to hide it)
After an hour of praises and blushes he finally asked for her number, she agreed to give but no one was having a mobile or pan to note it down. When he did something, he asked her number and wrote it on the dust of his bike, they said good byes and Ria walked home thinking that its ok that if you don’t want to meet, but don’t pretend that you can save my no. in dust, its ok I am not that lucky to have him”. It was 10 at night when she was changing for bed when the phone bell ring but her parents were gone for a walk so she received the call, as she placed the receiver near her ear and said hello, all her feelings flushed away she was in lack of words just standing there in shock and smiling then the voice on phone repeated:

“Told you na I will remember you number”

All she was able to do was to smile and smile and smile, this silence was again broken by the same voice she thought coming out of het heart saying “ kya hua, expect nahi kiya tha kya, koi baat nahi meine bhi nahi kiya tha ki koi essa milega jiss ka number mein dhool me bhi dhoond longa
Lagta hai bahut shocked, ok then lets bring you out of shock, I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow at same place at same time at least this time I hope u won’t stood me up,….”
Riya: no actually………………..
Rehan : I was just joking, but please be there for me. Good night”
And though she acted normal all the time but only she knew how hard it was for her to not to repeat his last words which were wondering in her mind “ be there for me”, it was all she spitted out in this whole night “off course I will , only for you”
It was not a new day for riya but a new life, a new reason to smile to laugh, to enjoy the day just the knowledge that there was someone in her life, someone she loved and maybe he loved her back. It was hard for her to keep track of time which went by on wings while she fled the whole day like a butterfly. But the only thing was no one else noticed.
The sky became dark again except in the glowing eyes of ria,
they met again and it was all love she ever wanted with him, their long rides,to church on the night of Christmas, long walks hand in hand, their silent moments sitting together watching the stars and light if the city with her head on his shoulder, even there was love when he taught her chemistry, , and the fairy tale went on for 3 months but that love faded in the sand of time

At night when she walked among the crowd, the night with darkness, deep and dead but lights shining out at a distance, people walking by giggling, smiling, the night with silent breeze flowing like this always made her think, made her remember those nights 4 years ago, those nights when she passed through the same roads but not noticing a thing like nothing existed, like flying in the sky there was only she and him, All sweet talks, giggles, teasing, flirtation and all, and all that she loved. The way he used to stare at her and keep staring unless she broke into laughter, his sweet persuasions for a kiss that never worked and his instant lies to make her off guard and have a small and sudden kiss and her blushing that always charmed him.
And that night which was same as before just when they parted they never met again, was it her fault, why he never called her again, why they never met, was it because she always restrained him from kissing, no that can’t be the reason, he loved her and she loved him to, may be too much to think that he was playing with her heart and now left her. Collecting all the strength that was left in her she called his house thinking that something might have gone wrong, when she called it was his mother who received the call:
riya: hello, may I talk to rehan.
(there was a long silence on the other end with heavy breathing)
after a pause
Mother: may I know who is calling?
riya: its riya his friend.
Mother: sorry beta.
riya: oh, but aunty please i want to talk to him, its urgent.
Mother: (with choked voice) beta now no one one can talk to him,rehan..... went far away from us.
And she disconnected the line, feeling deserted,
and wept, with inconsolable soul

free soul

What is in your life the one single quote u used to repeat but never believe from ur heart comes true, and changes ur whole life, in my case it did.
“even a single thought has the power to change ur personality ur life”
This quote of someone I don’t even remember, in a moment changed my life, a single thought in just a single moment changed everything, With the drops of blood from my wrist the memories came rushing in to my mind and destroyed every identity every image I had made of myself. Just what remain were very few lines, few images and many questions and to answer was that I am rehan who went through it all and it is my story of life of gaining and loosing everything in just one thought.

I am rehan, a student, an engineer to be, a poet and most importantly a dreamer. It never made a difference to me where the world was going and what other’s where doing or where my grades were going I was always busy in dreaming and doing what I loved be it modeling, singing, dancing etc. I could have missed anything in life but a good novel and a good romantic or emotional movie never. These were the sources of my dreams. I always believed that everything is going to be fine, I never gave a damn about anything but I believed that once the age is gone no one can be a child again and after watching almost all the working people I was sure that life ends after college or pretty much in the college when before doing anything u love you start thinking about what other’s may think and in the end stop doing things u love and so, I never missed any opportunity to do my heart felt things like running or walking in the rain, singing when ever I love to,
Doing modeling and dancing or making my presence felt on the stage no matter if I suck and thinking from heart all the time.
Thinking about all those things one thinks that its an amazing life but as someone said “joy in suffering”, I suffered for my joys, I don’t know weather I suffered b’coz of my joy or I was joyful b’coz I suffered every moment. No, answer to that.
Yes I suffered but with silence, I don’t know weather they knew or not , who made me suffer but I did , it was a silent demise, I compromised with everything but with my dream, my smile and joy , never. Those who were unknown with my sufferings thought that I am too happy all the time and I am a too proud person or I am arrogant etc, etc. but I guess only I know that I was not.
I loved adventure but like every day my routine was limited going to college, coming back having food, lying on the sofa and watching an English movie , a little study in the evening, before sunset a walk over the bridge till 7:30 or sometimes 8 at night and then to temple. There was no time for friends, fun or roaming in my time table like every other guy. But I guess there were no friends, no fun and no joy. So, I learned to smile without a reason, enjoy my lonliness and being at peace with silence. This solitude though gave me my strength but was also gave the only reason to others to point a finger at me.
But more than others I think it was destined to be,

ऐ खुदा फ़िर से बच्चा बना दे मुझे

ऐ खुदा फ़िर से बच्चा बना दे मुझे
की ये दुनिया है मेरा खिलौना नही
आइने ने बदली है सूरत कई, हम भी जहाँ में बदलते जाए,
रही मेरी मंजिल तो बस एक वही, फासले हर कदम पर बदलते गए,
फ़िर से चलना तू अब सिखा दे मुझे,
की अनजान रहूँ पे अब है खोना नही , ऐ खुदा फ़िर से बच्चा बना दे मुझे
यूँ ही बरबस हँसी थी जो आँखे कभी, आज हसने की हमसे वजह मांगे है,
कह सकूँ भी तो कह दू में कैसे इन्हे, की मुक़द्दर में मेरे आंसू ही आए हैं,
फ़िर से एक नई दुनिया दिखा दे मुझे,
की इस बेदर्द दुनिया में है रोना नही
अपने सब्दों पर यकीन है मुझ को मगर,
इस अंधे जहान पर भरोसा नही,
ऐ खुदा फ़िर से बच्चा बना दे मुझे
की ये दुनिया है मेरा खिलौना नही,
की ये दुनिया है मेरा खिलौना नही..........